Death

This Valentine's Day post is dedicated to death.  We seem to be in a season of death in our household and today is the culmination point.

My patient died yesterday morning. I did not know him. I saw him once--during bedside report at shift change.  The next time, I pronounced time of death.  As I took off medical devices and unhooked tubes, I slowed down. I have a different respect for death after having lost those I love. I knew that in a few short minutes, that after I called this patient's family, their lives would be forever different. He was a stranger to me, but I still shed tears alone in the break room.  I struggled to conceal my emotions the remainder of the day, knowing death will soon reach our family.

Last month we received news that my dearest Grandma Vans has terminal cancer. Hospice has been consulted and she is comfortable. She has lived a good and long life.  She has been declining for the past couple of years and her death should not come as a surprise to any of us--but I still find myself heartbroken. I'm trying hard to be thankful, for we have much to be thankful for. We have the gift of time.  We are traveling out to see her next week and will have the opportunity to say good-bye. She is with family who love her to pieces. She is well taken care of. She will not die alone. And she knows she is going to meet her Lord and Savior when her time on Earth is finished.

But I am sad. I am sad for me, for I will miss her dearly. And missing her is not an abstract unknown in the future. Death is not a stranger to me--I know what follows.  I know the pain of loss. Last fall I lost a very dear friend and I miss him. I really miss him, I mean really really miss him.  Which brings us to today's timely post.

Today was Marv's birthday. And somehow, today it feels acceptable to acknowledge how much I miss him. I miss you in a hundred ways--most of all I miss sharing life with you.  I miss the funny pictures. The updates on your projects. I miss your honest advice and opinion. I miss your laugh, the sound of your voice. I miss your tiny waist and walking behind you in the hallway. I miss your mannerisms, hearing about your friends and family. I miss the way you let me problem solve with you. If I am a walking fashion faux pas the rest of your life--I'll recognize it as one more aspect of my life in which I am just "missing Marv."

It is because we have loved well that we experience grief and loss in death. I'll take theses days on the couch, with a box of kleenex and mascara running down my face for all the love and memories.

Happy Birthday MJ.

Christmas in Austin

This December we started enjoying the benefits of living in Austin and all that a big city has to offer.

I needed to uncover a means of obtaining holiday cheer. (I have a tendency to become homesick and a bit sad during the holiday season. Since we have no storage space at our apartment, holiday decorations seem impractical thus we did not put up a Christmas tree.)

We kicked off December with a trip downtown to Bass Concert Hall at the University of Texas (UT has more to offer than painting the town burnt orange and bringing the expressways to a standstill on game day). The choirs and wind ensembles conducted a "Holiday Choral Concert." Although I am not one who usually enjoys choir concerts, I love Christmas carols. The live rendition of the Hallelujah Chorus in a packed auditorium brought us a healthy dose of holiday spirit.

Austin, being the state capital, has a lighting of the Christmas tree ceremony. The event begins with a Holiday Sing-along and Holiday stroll (the street leading up to the Capitol is closed and shops are open with holiday festivities). Chris was agreeable to the event since one of his favorite local NPR hosts was leading the evening. I had heard about the even last year and was excited to participate this year.

This was the lowest attended event in Sing-along history due to freezing temperatures.  We however, found the frigid air adding to our holiday spirit.  We were given official, printed song books and for once could sing every verse of our favorite songs. After an hour of singing the Christmas tree was lit and we began our stroll. A cameraman stopped us and we were featured on the nightly news. (video clip not available, despite our searching).

The historic Paramount Theatre was playing Christmas cartoons on a big screen. It was quite the juxtaposition to be watching Rudolph, on the big screen, while taking in the elegant architecture of the theatre.  We opted out for pictures of Santa but captured this gem. (Airstream trailer is a "symbol" of Austin along with this rendition of a local mural.)

Another local holiday tradition is the Austin Trail of Lights.  This takes place in Zilker Park (large park in the middle of the city, on the banks of the Colorado river). True to its name, it is a walk with different "stations" of Christmas lights.

I was able to participate in my favorite Christmas tradition in our home: baking.

And Chris participated in the decorating and eating: